About M

So I saw you on your workplace today. You was on your sweat. Your reddish cheeks. You looked extremely exhausted. And my hand really want to wipe those sweats on your face. But I hold my self.

As I said hello and goodbye, you shout "cium dulu, baru boleh pergi" 

And I directly rose my middle finger-our antimainstream hand wave and you replied it well,

"F*ck you, Cella!"

F*ck you back, M

The Perks of Being Single

Dipikir-pikir, jadi single itu happy sekali. Bebas. Merdeka. Nggak ada yang ngatur-ngatur. Bodohnya aku, kenapa nggak dari dulu aku mensyukuri kesendirianku ini.

Jadi single itu enak, karena mau modus sana modus sini nggak ada yang jealous. Nggak ada yang perlu dijaga perasaannya.

Jadi single itu enak, deket sama siapa aja, main sama siapa aja, dikasih bunga dari siapa aja, juga nggak ada yg marah. 

Jadi single itu enak. Bisa temenan rasa pacaran sama siapa aja.

Jadi single itu enak. Nggak ada yang perlu di wajib laporin 1x24 jam lagi ini lagi itu, lagi disini lagi disitu, sama si A si B si C dan lain-lain.

Mungkin emang kesannya jadi single itu adalah sebuah peluang untuk seseorang, khususnya yg kayak aku, menjadi seorang player.

Ya emang.

Kayak petikan lagunya Taylor Swift yg judulnya Blank Space

"Love's a game, wanna play?"

So I play a little game with this guy. Lin, sebut saja begitu, he also a good player, very well experienced in this game and I think he deserve called as the expert.

I like the way he opens his arm, invite me to jump into his hug.

I like the way he pretends to be angry, and overly disappointed because I can't go out with him and his friends.

I like anyway he treats me like I'm truly his girl.

Even though he's already got someone in his heart but it is no harm to take some refresh air, right?

No More Bullshits

So I'm officially being single now.

I just ended up my fake relationship with that crying baby and now I feel super free. I feel like I get my life back. I feel alive!

So I don't want to share the detail of it but lemme advice him some thing so he won't be fooled by the same asshole like me next time.

1. Please, just be a gentleman. Just behave like an ordinary men that use more brain than heart. Please, stop being 'baper' of many things. Please, strengthen your heart to face every obstacle in your life. Don't be a tofu.

2. If you want to kiss her, just kiss her. Don't ask for permission. Kissing is the result of two connected feeling, not a purpose nor a mission that you need to accomplish as a proof that you already got a girlfriend.

3. Open your mind. It's a whole wide world. Go outside of your comfort zone. Meet new people. Explore more. There are infinite possibilities to learn and grow out there. So you will not only lovey-dovey-ing your girlfriend but also share your knowledge and experience to her. Compete with her.

4. Maintain your f*ckin mouth, because your mouth is actually the reflection of yourself. You can badmouthing about your ex-girlfriend, tell every detail of your activities to everyone and fake the intimacy between you and your ex while all of that is just a HUGE BULLSHIT, but people are actually laughing at how jerky you are in keeping your relationship.

5. Just living the life. Please, stop daydreaming. Don't overthink about the future of your relationship. Taste the bittersweet of love (if you call it so), and stop imagining that you will be happily ever after with her.

And now we have to move on. Time runs faster than you think

[HEARTBREAKER] The Reason

Remember the tagline that I put before I started the story?

"Every heartbreaker has their own reason"

If I may confess, Idk why wrote that and Idevenk why I made this series. It just came out from my head and voila I made it. I also never planned that one day, the words turned into a deathly curse like Voldemort's Avada-Kadavra spell and it was like a boomerang to me.

I broke someone's love because of my broken heart pieces. I stab someone's heart and slowly break it.

So I'm actually in a relationship right now.  It should be the sweetest thing in my life because I finally got somebody that really care about me after my family. I should be very happy because right now I can answer those people who keep asking doubting me about being single in my 20.

Somehow I feel nothing.

I don't feel any significant change in my life after I date this guy. I don't even feel the sensation of sudden heart attack when I'm with him. 

No I don't blame him for this zero feeling. No. I won't ever blame him. He such a nice guy. The kindest guy that I ever met. 

And I'm the antagonist role here. I screwed up this relationship by my super chronic damage personality.

It was a failure since the beginning. I asked him to date me without thinking that having relationship will take a lot of commitments and any other confusing thing which I called as sugary sh*ts. I just made it as joke but somehow he took it seriously and my second failure was accept him to be my boyf.

You know what?! The night after we officially dating, I suddenly woke up from a nightmare. It was a nightmare because I dreamt about J. 

And I was crying

I forgot that there was still an unfinished business about me and J. 

I was still hoping to be with him. 

I was still hoping that one day we can meet again and we will be together.

And the 3rd failure, I told my newly boyf about these messes in my mind. I knew that it would hit him very hard. It would hurt him. But I didn't have any choice. I should told him now because it won't change anything. Soon or later I will hurt him. I'm the douche bag who will break his heart because of my stupid-unfinished-crush. I will be the asshole that deserve his hatred.

But he managed to keep this relationships. He told me that I don't have to think about hurting him because he will make me fall to him.

I didn't believe his words because, yes, this is still early. Like a bee, he still sucks the sweet honey and hasn't taste the bitter part of the flower yet. He still feel the sugar of being in a relationship without realize that now he is living in his imaginary hopes of how wonderful having a girlf is but in reality it isn't at all. It may sounds rude but, please, wake up! You are the one who feel happy while I am not. I'm suffering to keep living the lies while you are daydreaming.

Now I'm turning into a total b*tch.

He keeps pouring his attention to me, throwing his sweetest word, even flirt me but all I can do is just verbally ignoring him. Like Taylor Swifts ever sing in Back To December :

"He gave me roses, and I left them all to die. 

You give me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye"

Idk what happen in myself. I always push all the people whose trying to help me. I just feel not comfortable when there's somebody worries about me, even my parents. Moreover, I hate the most when a guy tries to lovey-dovey on me or do something romantic. Ew, I got a goose-bump!

And terrifically, my newly boyf keep trying to lovey-dovey-ing on me even though I already said that I don't like such a thing. That keep reducing my feeling towards him.

I really don't know why I'm being like this but I believe that I'm totally damage. It is strange, you know, when a girl doesn't like to be treated like a princess. 

Do you know what the most f*cking thing right now is? I'm waiting for him to break me up. As soon as possible. So that I don't have to pretend to care about him and be happy around him anymore.

...because I'm the jerk who are not deserve such a kindness of a person like you. I'm an asshole who shouldn't messing more.

...and you keep believing that one day I can turn into a good person. No, I can't. I'll never be.

And that's how you will hurt yourself.  It seems like you're aiming a sword right in front your heart and you are asking me a favor to stab on it. 

So that you might understand, 

"Every heartbreaker has their own reason"

This is (probably) love

So I feel relieve after knowing that you are alright. It just swept away all of the worries that I suffered on these days. 

Idk what it is. Some people said it's love, some other just said it's something that they called as 'baper'.

But all I know is you always enlighting my life. 

:)

Over Than Z

I have more than thousand words to describe you.

But all I can say now is... I truly really extremely like you. And somehow it scares me.

As we can see, it's already the 2nd day of AMD exams. In the other hand, means we're getting closer to the end of this togetherness. After that, we will be really separated. I mean, we ever be separated in the past and... like the dreams come true, you came back and we could be this close. Well... If I may confess, I never really believe that there will be the 2nd, 3rd, or even more miracle after we felt once. Now since the the day is getting closer to the end, I'm scare that I will not able to see you again in the future.

You're such a special person to me, you know. Even though you never try to talk to me first, even though you never ask me to go out first, but when I ask you so, you just behave nicely. You made me special!

And telling you these things... Actually it's a good idea to make me feel less regret in the future when we can't see each other anymore. Yet a bad idea. Yup! I can say it's very bad, moreover, worst! I've been do this thing and as you know, I failed. So, I don't want to be a fool by repeating the same mistake.

Now you are messing up my mind, J

Not Even You

I though that you might be my band aid after he left. But you seems going to do a similar thing like him. You'll go with the other. And me... will be alone again.

Jealousy

Yes, I'm jealous.

Horribly, terribly, extremely, super jealous.

To that new person in your world, to that new person who was able to enter your personality, to that person who proudly sabotaged your LINE with a huggy-missing Cony and Brown couple.

To her.

I don't like the way she snatch the whole of your time and attention which is USED to be mine. I don't like you joking arround her. I don't like to see her feeling comfort arround you.

That should be me who spending the whole day, not her!!!!!

Tapinya aku bisa apa. Aku mah apa atuh. Pacar bukan, temen ga akrab" juga, cuma kenalan yg baper aja sama care-nya kamu.

Sebutir nasi goreng udang yg nggak sempet kamu makan sedang bercerita,

Aku.

That One Person

03.13.2015

It's gonna be another special day for me. It was the day when I finaly understand that there's always a rainbow after a hurricane. 

I thanked every new moment and new people that I met in this new place.

Initial J.

I thanked God that I met this buddy in a very exact time. This crazy little newbie big brother really gave me a little colour in my life with his warmth. 

I though that I just found my-long-lost brother. 

He joked me arround, told me his crazy imagination, experiences, and few crazy advices and the last thing he gave to me in that day...

He gave me tons of laughs.

I know maybe some of you will see this might be too agressive since I asked him to go out first. Not him. 

But I still couldn't believe that it would be so much easy. 

We hung up yesterday and we did soooo much fun. Spending more than 15 minutes only for determine what movie to be watched like a couple of freaks, ended up in Toy's Kingdom and remembering our childhood memories, spamming the 'American Snipper' like a movie pros, had dinner and talking randomly and our randomness kept going until he rode me back to my boarding house. And what's the good thing he was spoken to me? "Ahahaha... Kok kamu jadi ketawa-tawa terus?" since I told him that I need to relieved my heartbroken feeling after... my inspiration left with another chick *I'll write in another  post-if I have mood* 

No offense, but can I say he was just that cute?

He treated me very well, I thanked him about being a gentle man yesterday. He cheered me up in his own way, and the last thing that I would like to thank him was...

He brought my smile back.

Thank you for being a nice-newcomer in my life. It's super nice to know you. 

I'll see you soon, little big-bro! 

:)

Gone

Semuanya sudah berubah. Kamu tidak lagi menginspirasi hidupku karena kamu kini menginspirasi hidup orang lain. Hidupnya. Dia yang beruntung karena bisa memilikimu. 

Aku harus melepasmu. 

Selamat tinggal kamu yang selalu jauh dari hidupku. Terima kasih untuk kenangan yang pernah kita miliki. 

.

Coba dipikir dulu lah sebelum nyuru orang buat gini gitu. Katane ak harus ngontrol mood, nggak boleh semena-mena. Tapi kamu gimana?

Ngomongin attitude, tp attitude mu 0 gitu.

Jahat banget sih ak ngomongin km di belakang? Iya, ak ngomongin km di belakang sama blog, bukan sama temen.

Temen?

Temen itu saling memahami, bukan saling menginjak, berusaha menjatuhkan satu sama lain supaya nurut.

Tai lah koe. 

I Loaf U

I like your dimples. I like your smile. I like your sarcasm. I like your everything. 

I like you, initial R.

I like the way you talk, the way you eat, the way you express your feeling, the way you make me smile. I like the good ambience between us.

I like you, intial J.

Idk how to maintain this feeling but everytime I'm being arround with both of you, I'm alive.

:)

Still You

Dulu katanya kalo ketemu lagi anggap aja nggak pernah kenal. Katanya pengen dilupain. Tapi kok setelah 2 minggu bersama, perasaan nyaman saat bersama itu ada lagi? Gimana, masih plin plan?

#sopojal 

Tentang dia yang kembali dan sekarang hubungannya menjadi lebih baik...

Makin kesini aku makin suka dengan apa yg ada di diri kamu. It feels like, kamu itu kompeten dengan jalan pikiranku. Kamu smart, nyambung kalo diajak ngomong bahasa inggris, seru, asik diajak frontal-frontalan, humoris, pokoknya perasaan saat bersama kamu itu seperti bertemu temen lama yang datang kembali.

I like being arround with you.

Tapi aku nggak berani menelusuri sampai mengakui apa yang lagi aku rasakan saat ini.

Dibalik semua kesempurnaan kamu, ada satu hal yang nggak bisa bikin kamu menjadi lebih baik dari *ehem* dia.

Kamu punya segalanya, tapi kamu nggak mau memanfaatkan skill yg kamu punya. Kamu susah untuk diajak maju. Kalo aku bilang, less-responsible.

Beda sama dia. Walopun dia nggak sepinter kamu, susah diajak ngomong pake bahasa inggris, dingin, dan kayak jelangkung (suka tiba-tiba datang dan pergi gitu aja), tapi ada satu hal yang selalu bikin aku kagum sama dia.

Effort.

Dia mau berusaha, belajar, dan selalu mengingatkan aku untuk berhenti mengeluh. Dia adalah seseorang yang selalu memotivasi aku untuk maju, menjadi lebih baik, dan berani untuk mencoba hal baru dengan semangatnya. Kadang, walopun lola, dia selalu menjadi seseorang yang tepat untuk dimintai solusi ketika aku bingung dalam menentukan pilihan (waktu milih tempat OJT)

Sayangnya, yang saat ini benar-benar ada dekat dengan aku itu kamu, bukan dia. Dan aku sedang berusaha keras untuk nggak membanding-bandingkan kamu dia karena di mataku cuma ada dia.

He stays behind me eyes.

Dan aku sadar, aku sudah gila. Aku berlebihan, karena aku sudah menetapkan pilihanku pada dia sejak dulu meski aku nggak tau, kapan aku dan dia bisa bersama.

*still pray for him*

Terimakasih untuk kamu yang sudah menemaniku selama ini dan beberapa bulan ke depan. Terimakasih karena sudah membuatku bisa tertawa lepas lagi. Terima kasih untuk warna baru yang kamu tuangkan ke dalam hidupku. Terimakasih sudah menjadi selingan yang menyenangkan diantara tekanan-tekanan yang semakin menghimpitku.

Terima kasih sudah membuatku melupakan sejenak tentang dia ketika bersamamu.

Dan untuk dia yang jauh disana...

Terima kasih karena sudah menjadi inspirasi dalam hidupku, dan terimakasih untuk selalu menjadi seseorang yang selalu ada dalam doaku...

Ef Yu Si Key

Nganyeli.

Ngonek"e orang suruh dewasa, mikirke perasaan e orang, tapi dia sendiri even not better.

Kemaren katanya suruh solid bla bla bla jgn left chat sblm masalah film selesai, eh sekarang malah left gitu seenaknya.

Ada kegagalan, disudutin terus.

Nyebelin

BOSS

Gini nggak boleh, gitu nggak boleh. Lha koe ki sopo kok ngatur" uripku? 

Society

People keep forcing me to stop being frontally sarcastic. They hate the way I talk and expressing my feeling because it's attitude-less and yeah, i said it again, frontal. 

Fuck.

What about them?

They keep saying the words that push me down to the corner and exposing my mistakes and the shitty part is everyone follow them. To break me. To cornered me.

Fuck.

Everything is suck, everybody is fuck.

Yaudah Sih...

Nggak apa2 Cel, kan kamu udah biasa dinomor-sekian-in, diajdiin alternatif buat orang lain. Diabaikan juga udah bukan masalah lagi kan buat kamu???

Nggak apa2 Cel, kan kamu udah biasa dilarang marah soalnya kalo kamu marah orang lain nggak suka. Kalo kamu urakan, dibilang nggak punya attitude, padahal mereka aja attitude-less.

Nggak apa2 Cel, nggak apa2. Kan kamu harus jadi dewasa, nggak boleh protes ini itu. Harus tahan sakit. Harus terus ketawa, harus mengutamakan orang lain sebelum kamu karena kalo enggak, ntar dianggap careless

Nggak apa2, Cel. Nggak apa2 

*nangis batin*

Oh iya deng, bahkan dia juga bilang kamu nggak boleh nangis, ntar kamu jadi gembeng. 

Kamu harus jadi amburegul Cel. Harus.

Face

Emang salah ya punya muka galak kayak gini? Gara" suka mengekspresikan kesukaan/ketidaksukaan, selalu dinilai salah.

Terus aku kudu piyeeeee???? 

Harus oplas gitu apa gimana?