Remember the tagline that I put before I started the story?
"Every heartbreaker has their own reason"
If I may confess, Idk why wrote that and Idevenk why I made this series. It just came out from my head and voila I made it. I also never planned that one day, the words turned into a deathly curse like Voldemort's Avada-Kadavra spell and it was like a boomerang to me.
I broke someone's love because of my broken heart pieces. I stab someone's heart and slowly break it.
So I'm actually in a relationship right now. It should be the sweetest thing in my life because I finally got somebody that really care about me after my family. I should be very happy because right now I can answer those people who keep asking doubting me about being single in my 20.
Somehow I feel nothing.
I don't feel any significant change in my life after I date this guy. I don't even feel the sensation of sudden heart attack when I'm with him.
No I don't blame him for this zero feeling. No. I won't ever blame him. He such a nice guy. The kindest guy that I ever met.
And I'm the antagonist role here. I screwed up this relationship by my super chronic damage personality.
It was a failure since the beginning. I asked him to date me without thinking that having relationship will take a lot of commitments and any other confusing thing which I called as sugary sh*ts. I just made it as joke but somehow he took it seriously and my second failure was accept him to be my boyf.
You know what?! The night after we officially dating, I suddenly woke up from a nightmare. It was a nightmare because I dreamt about J.
And I was crying
I forgot that there was still an unfinished business about me and J.
I was still hoping to be with him.
I was still hoping that one day we can meet again and we will be together.
And the 3rd failure, I told my newly boyf about these messes in my mind. I knew that it would hit him very hard. It would hurt him. But I didn't have any choice. I should told him now because it won't change anything. Soon or later I will hurt him. I'm the douche bag who will break his heart because of my stupid-unfinished-crush. I will be the asshole that deserve his hatred.
But he managed to keep this relationships. He told me that I don't have to think about hurting him because he will make me fall to him.
I didn't believe his words because, yes, this is still early. Like a bee, he still sucks the sweet honey and hasn't taste the bitter part of the flower yet. He still feel the sugar of being in a relationship without realize that now he is living in his imaginary hopes of how wonderful having a girlf is but in reality it isn't at all. It may sounds rude but, please, wake up! You are the one who feel happy while I am not. I'm suffering to keep living the lies while you are daydreaming.
Now I'm turning into a total b*tch.
He keeps pouring his attention to me, throwing his sweetest word, even flirt me but all I can do is just verbally ignoring him. Like Taylor Swifts ever sing in Back To December :
"He gave me roses, and I left them all to die.
You give me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye"
Idk what happen in myself. I always push all the people whose trying to help me. I just feel not comfortable when there's somebody worries about me, even my parents. Moreover, I hate the most when a guy tries to lovey-dovey on me or do something romantic. Ew, I got a goose-bump!
And terrifically, my newly boyf keep trying to lovey-dovey-ing on me even though I already said that I don't like such a thing. That keep reducing my feeling towards him.
I really don't know why I'm being like this but I believe that I'm totally damage. It is strange, you know, when a girl doesn't like to be treated like a princess.
Do you know what the most f*cking thing right now is? I'm waiting for him to break me up. As soon as possible. So that I don't have to pretend to care about him and be happy around him anymore.
...because I'm the jerk who are not deserve such a kindness of a person like you. I'm an asshole who shouldn't messing more.
...and you keep believing that one day I can turn into a good person. No, I can't. I'll never be.
And that's how you will hurt yourself. It seems like you're aiming a sword right in front your heart and you are asking me a favor to stab on it.
So that you might understand,
"Every heartbreaker has their own reason"
