[HEARTBREAKER] The Reason

Remember the tagline that I put before I started the story?

"Every heartbreaker has their own reason"

If I may confess, Idk why wrote that and Idevenk why I made this series. It just came out from my head and voila I made it. I also never planned that one day, the words turned into a deathly curse like Voldemort's Avada-Kadavra spell and it was like a boomerang to me.

I broke someone's love because of my broken heart pieces. I stab someone's heart and slowly break it.

So I'm actually in a relationship right now.  It should be the sweetest thing in my life because I finally got somebody that really care about me after my family. I should be very happy because right now I can answer those people who keep asking doubting me about being single in my 20.

Somehow I feel nothing.

I don't feel any significant change in my life after I date this guy. I don't even feel the sensation of sudden heart attack when I'm with him. 

No I don't blame him for this zero feeling. No. I won't ever blame him. He such a nice guy. The kindest guy that I ever met. 

And I'm the antagonist role here. I screwed up this relationship by my super chronic damage personality.

It was a failure since the beginning. I asked him to date me without thinking that having relationship will take a lot of commitments and any other confusing thing which I called as sugary sh*ts. I just made it as joke but somehow he took it seriously and my second failure was accept him to be my boyf.

You know what?! The night after we officially dating, I suddenly woke up from a nightmare. It was a nightmare because I dreamt about J. 

And I was crying

I forgot that there was still an unfinished business about me and J. 

I was still hoping to be with him. 

I was still hoping that one day we can meet again and we will be together.

And the 3rd failure, I told my newly boyf about these messes in my mind. I knew that it would hit him very hard. It would hurt him. But I didn't have any choice. I should told him now because it won't change anything. Soon or later I will hurt him. I'm the douche bag who will break his heart because of my stupid-unfinished-crush. I will be the asshole that deserve his hatred.

But he managed to keep this relationships. He told me that I don't have to think about hurting him because he will make me fall to him.

I didn't believe his words because, yes, this is still early. Like a bee, he still sucks the sweet honey and hasn't taste the bitter part of the flower yet. He still feel the sugar of being in a relationship without realize that now he is living in his imaginary hopes of how wonderful having a girlf is but in reality it isn't at all. It may sounds rude but, please, wake up! You are the one who feel happy while I am not. I'm suffering to keep living the lies while you are daydreaming.

Now I'm turning into a total b*tch.

He keeps pouring his attention to me, throwing his sweetest word, even flirt me but all I can do is just verbally ignoring him. Like Taylor Swifts ever sing in Back To December :

"He gave me roses, and I left them all to die. 

You give me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye"

Idk what happen in myself. I always push all the people whose trying to help me. I just feel not comfortable when there's somebody worries about me, even my parents. Moreover, I hate the most when a guy tries to lovey-dovey on me or do something romantic. Ew, I got a goose-bump!

And terrifically, my newly boyf keep trying to lovey-dovey-ing on me even though I already said that I don't like such a thing. That keep reducing my feeling towards him.

I really don't know why I'm being like this but I believe that I'm totally damage. It is strange, you know, when a girl doesn't like to be treated like a princess. 

Do you know what the most f*cking thing right now is? I'm waiting for him to break me up. As soon as possible. So that I don't have to pretend to care about him and be happy around him anymore.

...because I'm the jerk who are not deserve such a kindness of a person like you. I'm an asshole who shouldn't messing more.

...and you keep believing that one day I can turn into a good person. No, I can't. I'll never be.

And that's how you will hurt yourself.  It seems like you're aiming a sword right in front your heart and you are asking me a favor to stab on it. 

So that you might understand, 

"Every heartbreaker has their own reason"

This is (probably) love

So I feel relieve after knowing that you are alright. It just swept away all of the worries that I suffered on these days. 

Idk what it is. Some people said it's love, some other just said it's something that they called as 'baper'.

But all I know is you always enlighting my life. 

:)

Over Than Z

I have more than thousand words to describe you.

But all I can say now is... I truly really extremely like you. And somehow it scares me.

As we can see, it's already the 2nd day of AMD exams. In the other hand, means we're getting closer to the end of this togetherness. After that, we will be really separated. I mean, we ever be separated in the past and... like the dreams come true, you came back and we could be this close. Well... If I may confess, I never really believe that there will be the 2nd, 3rd, or even more miracle after we felt once. Now since the the day is getting closer to the end, I'm scare that I will not able to see you again in the future.

You're such a special person to me, you know. Even though you never try to talk to me first, even though you never ask me to go out first, but when I ask you so, you just behave nicely. You made me special!

And telling you these things... Actually it's a good idea to make me feel less regret in the future when we can't see each other anymore. Yet a bad idea. Yup! I can say it's very bad, moreover, worst! I've been do this thing and as you know, I failed. So, I don't want to be a fool by repeating the same mistake.

Now you are messing up my mind, J

Not Even You

I though that you might be my band aid after he left. But you seems going to do a similar thing like him. You'll go with the other. And me... will be alone again.

Jealousy

Yes, I'm jealous.

Horribly, terribly, extremely, super jealous.

To that new person in your world, to that new person who was able to enter your personality, to that person who proudly sabotaged your LINE with a huggy-missing Cony and Brown couple.

To her.

I don't like the way she snatch the whole of your time and attention which is USED to be mine. I don't like you joking arround her. I don't like to see her feeling comfort arround you.

That should be me who spending the whole day, not her!!!!!

Tapinya aku bisa apa. Aku mah apa atuh. Pacar bukan, temen ga akrab" juga, cuma kenalan yg baper aja sama care-nya kamu.

Sebutir nasi goreng udang yg nggak sempet kamu makan sedang bercerita,

Aku.

That One Person

03.13.2015

It's gonna be another special day for me. It was the day when I finaly understand that there's always a rainbow after a hurricane. 

I thanked every new moment and new people that I met in this new place.

Initial J.

I thanked God that I met this buddy in a very exact time. This crazy little newbie big brother really gave me a little colour in my life with his warmth. 

I though that I just found my-long-lost brother. 

He joked me arround, told me his crazy imagination, experiences, and few crazy advices and the last thing he gave to me in that day...

He gave me tons of laughs.

I know maybe some of you will see this might be too agressive since I asked him to go out first. Not him. 

But I still couldn't believe that it would be so much easy. 

We hung up yesterday and we did soooo much fun. Spending more than 15 minutes only for determine what movie to be watched like a couple of freaks, ended up in Toy's Kingdom and remembering our childhood memories, spamming the 'American Snipper' like a movie pros, had dinner and talking randomly and our randomness kept going until he rode me back to my boarding house. And what's the good thing he was spoken to me? "Ahahaha... Kok kamu jadi ketawa-tawa terus?" since I told him that I need to relieved my heartbroken feeling after... my inspiration left with another chick *I'll write in another  post-if I have mood* 

No offense, but can I say he was just that cute?

He treated me very well, I thanked him about being a gentle man yesterday. He cheered me up in his own way, and the last thing that I would like to thank him was...

He brought my smile back.

Thank you for being a nice-newcomer in my life. It's super nice to know you. 

I'll see you soon, little big-bro! 

:)

Gone

Semuanya sudah berubah. Kamu tidak lagi menginspirasi hidupku karena kamu kini menginspirasi hidup orang lain. Hidupnya. Dia yang beruntung karena bisa memilikimu. 

Aku harus melepasmu. 

Selamat tinggal kamu yang selalu jauh dari hidupku. Terima kasih untuk kenangan yang pernah kita miliki.